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There is a lot of confusion over what Femdom is - especially for newcomers or those just curious, so I thought I’d clear things up a bit. Of course, these are my opinions based on a lot of reading, discussion with both subs and other Dommes, and experimentation and I’m sure some ideas will change as I gain more and more experience (I’ve been a Domme for about 6 years).


In the simplest definition, Femdom is Female Domination - or a women dominating men, but this definition on its own often causes confusion. Some think that to dominate someone, especially a man, a woman must be some sort of muscle-bound Amazon and the man must be a 90 pound weakling. This isn’t true. Some think that to dominate a man, a woman must always be an incredible seductress on top during sex or not allow him to have sex with her at all. This is sometimes part of domination, but true Femdom may not involve sex at all.


So what is domination? That’s really a hard question to answer and everyone tends to have their own ideas and opinions. To me, domination is a combination of things and is different for every submissive I meet. In the simpliest terms, domination is control - controlling a subs’ reactions, feelings, and emotions. In some ways, it’s manipulating a sub to get the reactions that give the Domme (and the sub) pleasure. Some Dommes exercise total control of their subs - even giving permission for the sub to go to the bathroom, eat or drink and controlling their money (sometimes giving them allowances or having them required to have permission to purchase anything without the Domme present). Some are more flexible, but all control their subs in some way and delight in seeing certain reactions. Even Dommes have their Fetishes - their fixations on one thing or another. Some love the look of a bound, helpless sub. Some like oral or anal sex. Some love the look of red welts on a subs body after a whipping or paddling. Others just like having a sub at their feet, nude, perhaps kissing and licking their shoes. The differences are what makes each D/s relationship unique and fulfilling in their own ways.

Domination may include some of the following:


What a D/s Relationship Should & Should Not Be

The Domme should be a sensitive caring person that cares for, teaches and loves their sub. This surprises some potential Dommes and subs alike as they think all the Domme is is the person who gives all the orders and makes all the decisions. Choosing to be a Domme, however, is a great responsibility and should not be entered into lightly. A good sub is literally putting their life and happiness in your hands. They are giving you their trust and love. They trust you to look out for them and make certain they won’t truly get hurt no matter how much of a masochist they are or a sadist you are.


The Domme must have a great deal of control of themselves as well. A Domme that is easily angered or out of control for any reason (especially drugs or alcohol) cannot be an effective Domme and should be avoided by subs. A Domme that is callous and uncaring of a sub’s feelings should be avoided. A Domme should be wise enough to walk away and cool down if a sub angers them - yes, a slave that is disobedient must be punished in order for discipline and a true D/s relationship to be maintained, but a sub should never be disciplined in anger. And a Domme should have the wisdom to listen to their subs - to talk to them before, during and after a scene and to be respectful of a subs limits and fears. Yes, you may eventually take a sub beyond their limits and fears and this is often an incredibly satisfying experience for both, but it should be a gradual process once trust has been developed. Any Domme that rushes into the worst thing a sub can imagine is a Domme to be avoided.


A Domme’s strength of character is essential. An insane Domme (or sub) makes for a bad D/s relationship. No one should ever rush into a D/s relationship - take the time to get to know your potential Domme or sub. A Domme must be wise and loving, but stern enough to discipline a sub when they are bad. A Domme should not punish a slave without reason, but they also cannot let a sub get away with bad behavior. More on maintaining discipline later.


A Domme must not forget that any pleasure the sub receives is solely controlled by them and a sub does need occasional release. A Domme may or may not have sex with their subs - pleasure for both partners is a big part of the D/s relationship, but intercourse may not be part of it. In this age of AIDS and other diseases, intercourse is sometimes a rare occurence. Oral or other stimulation may be as pleasureable for many and is considerably safer (and of course, condoms should be used when intercourse is involved).


The submissive serves and obeys the Domme. That is the essence of their submission, but serving has many levels and is very complex. Serving does not include suffering any physical or mental abuse - especially excessive physical abuse - without protest. Yes, there is an amount of pain the submissive will feel from time to time, though a good Domme will not punish a sub without reason as the sub will lose respect for them and the relationship will fail. But a sub who ends up in the hospital after a scene should avoid that Domme as they should avoid any abusive person. Submitting to a Domme does not give them free reign to mutilate you.


Submission can be as simple as always deferring to a Dommes’ opinion or decision, or not speaking unless spoken to, or doing all the cooking and cleaning and other necessary tasks for a Domme. It may be as complex as sexual or humiliating service to the Domme or in spending hours in restraints or bondage or having their asses spanked by the Domme.


Generally, a submissive should show respect to the Domme - the Domme will decide how this respect is to be shown. Dommes often have a list of rules they make a potential sub read and sign prior to accepting them (I’ll be posting mine soon). If not, a submissive should always ask prior to committing to the Domme what is expected of them. No, this is not contradictory to serving the Domme - it is for your own safety and happiness. Every Domme and submissive is different and you have the right to find out in advance if your likes and dislikes are compatible with your Domme. A good Domme will respect your limits, though together you may decide to go beyond them in time.


Some of the things a Domme may require might include: always kneeling in the Dommes presence (and usually in a very specific manner the Domme finds pleasing to look at), being nude, wearing a collar or other bonds, addressing them as “Mistress” or other term they prefer, giving the Domme your paycheck or a portion of it (most common when a sub moves in with the Domme), serving the Domme’s friends or other subs as they direct, etc. Dommes are often very creative individuals (as are subs), and you might find a great variety of rules and requirements. A sub should discuss any rules they do not feel comfortable with or that exceed their limits. A good Domme will usually be willing to compromise somewhat as long as it doesn’t interfere with what they consider their most important, enjoyable activities. A Domme may also arrange to give you a long-held fantasy or other reward, but this is at the Domme’s discretion.


A sub should not be demanding or attempt to control the relationship in any way and a sub should never try to control a Domme (“I’ll do that for you if you do this” is a sure way to be punished!). A sub must give all of their attention and focus (except during the times they are in the ‘normal’ world such as at work or with non-BDSM friends or family) to the Domme. The Domme will guide you in the ways they want to be served - listen carefully. Once you get to know each other, you might suggest things that you’d like to try - but never make suggestions during a scene! It’s very rude to your Domme!

When a compatible Domme and submissive find each other, their relationship can be truly magical and totally satisfying for both. The 24/7 (or 24 hours a day, 7 days a week live-in submissive) is a rarity, though a relationship may lead to this and both partners should be prepared for that possibility. This type of relationship is the most demanding on both partners and may last a few weeks, months, or a lifetime. Even the most committed D/s relationships can change over time (just as marriages do), and may end in time. The sub should be wering of signing any papers or giving any pledges to give themselves to the Domme “for life.” Renewable contracts, if any such document is used at all, is much more desireable.


Yes, a D/s relationship can be very satisfying both for the Domme and the submissive - just be certain you understand fully what you are getting into in either role.


Discipline and Punishment

It is necessary for a Domme to maintain discipline - a sub is, in some ways, a child depending on the Domme for all things, including rules and order. Just as a child grows up happier and healthier when their parents maintain order, a sub will often grow and be most fulfilled when their Domme maintains order. This includes consistent and understandable punishment for breaking the rules or failing to please the Domme as well as rewards for jobs well done. Rewards must be part of the discipline cycle in order for the relationship to be the most fulfilling for the sub.

As discussed above, a Domme’s expectations and rules should be fully discussed before entering into a D/s relationship. Of course a relationship changes and people learn and grow so rules may change from time to time, but any new rules that either side is uncomfortable with should be discussed.

As for punishment, there are many punishments a Domme may inflict for disregarding her rules. The punishment should fit the seriousness of the offense and again, should never be delivered in anger. Some subs, especially those with masochistic tendancies, will occasionally disobey on purpose. Knowing how to punish and reward a sub is part of a Domme’s control and demonstrates how much they know their sub - not all punishments are effective for all subs and some consider pleasure what others consider pain. Some punishments include:



Of course the only limit to discipline is the limit of the sub and the creativeness of the Domme, but these are some of the most common methods.


What is Femdom?
Some help and explanations for Newbies and Curious ones